Yoga is a discipline that beckons us to dive in and go deep. Whether you are aware of it or not you will “know yourself” if you do this practice for any length of time. I have a better understanding of myself, others and life today thanks to my yoga practice and embracing various psycho-spiritual practices. I admit I have a voracious mental appetite. I love to read. What I've begun to I notice is how I have been carrying myself around like a corn dog on a stick. Kind of stuck up there, if you know what I mean. Yoga, thank God, plucked me out of the air, put me on the ground and gave me a practice to embody the wisdom and walk the talk.
This evening’s class was particularly warm. There was a diverse age group which always feels less threatening to me. The lighting was low and the music was folk inspirational. We are holding a warrior 1 pose, bending deep into the front thigh like a genuflection. The knee doesn’t quite touch the ground, arms high over our head, looking up ...and breathe...still holding...stretching deeper…. burning, quivering... breathing... the teacher is talking to us slowly and deliberately... oh god hurry up...and breathe.... about spirituality which she tells us is a shift in focus. It sounds so simple doesn’t it? Just a shift in focus... oh sugar I can’t hold it...burning and barely breathing....but what distracts us as our body starts to give off signals of distress... Do we stop the pain, drop our focus or just let ourselves “breathe”. SO when the pose is over are we able to let go of that sequence and all the harry parts and flow on to the next one?
This is an extreme workout for me. I find myself in panic and anxiety experiencing a pain that cramps my entire body. I can't catch my breath but I sure catch the drift of this process. Bringing our minds to an awareness of our patterns and habits in stressful situations. Is my first reaction to focus externally on the drama surrounding the pain and emotions or am I able to quietly observe without judging? Is it possible to tolerate a physically awkard situation for just a little while longer?
I am very wobbly in a half moon pose,out of balance and not so sure I can allow myself to just let go and be flexible with the moment knowing a crash landing is imminent. I observe myself controlling everything I do in this class like an athlete with a “do it right” mentality. This I am told is ego. Corn dog on stick shows up in lots of places once you know what you’re looking at. Hard edges, Feeling competitive with myself, with others, Not being good enough, Thoughts of not succeeding, Failing, Falling…. These hard edges I hold are gathered from a lifetime of beliefs and experiences and of course, what I made it all mean. We all store our 'stuff' in cellular memory. Yoga exposes and exfoliates our deeply held emotions associated with “our stuff”.
Further expanding our breath into the crevices between our rib bones and the spaces between our vertebrae we are now making room for other things. A memory surfaces from 15 summers ago when my husband and I took our three children on a picnic in the middle of a summer resort day. We snuck out from a busy schedule, loaded our boat up with food and drink and water rafts, ski ropes, life jackets and children and off we went to our favorite island to picnic and play. Those were the best days and the best memories. soft edges linger here with this passing memory.
We make choices every moment. In yoga through the poses we get to experience more often than not our hard edges. Those inflexible, stubborn places inside us. SOme memory is triggered, feeling arise and we find ourselves modifying a pose as the integrity of a muscle or limb or body part is being compromised. Sometimes our edges are letting go and not being so perfect but being kind, listening to our bodies, as we build strength and endurance.
It is the same with relationships, family dynamics. Compassion, listening and reconsidering our attachments to positions is helpful if we are willing. It may be necessary to modify the places we are standing from if the physical, spiritual or emotional integrity involving our siblings or loved ones or co-workers is being compromised. Letting go, breathing, inward focus, surrendering, leaves me in a wide open space feeling a little like Gumby with wobbly legs. I am on my edge, not knowing more than this moment, right now. Breathe!
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